Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
