I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
