Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
