I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
