if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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