plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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