Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
