I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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