her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
