We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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