I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
