Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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