got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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