My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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