i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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