9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
