I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
