It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize