she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
