Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
