The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
