4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
We're facebook friends in real life
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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