I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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