Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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