Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
