I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize