I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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