happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize