in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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