I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
