someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
