I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
