I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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