ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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