I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Randomize
