Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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