Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
