Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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