Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
