hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
