I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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