If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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