I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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