oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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