woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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