Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
