She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
