i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize