when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Found your dick twin last night
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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