The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
