I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
