Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
