one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize
