now i know why i became what i already was.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The beer is more important than you right now.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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