I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
