dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
