Will you blow on my dice?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
