I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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