Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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