he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
third nipple confirmed
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My ass is underappreciated
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
