forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
