I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
