I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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